I realised I can't do without a blog. I need someone / something to rant at because I am a very chatty person. I need to open my mouth and say my piece or else it'll be so horrible. I can't keep things inside me. So yup. It's goodbye to himmehim for the time being. It's been a long long time that himmehim have been with me. All the way since 2003 or 2004 i think. Well well, memories, good and bad so I wont be deleting this blog. I'll be keeping it from here. And, say hi to the rightcompanion (:
Monday, May 18
Time to say goodbye | 5/18/2009 08:15:00 PM
I'm not going to blog anymore. Not till I feel good about life and when there's something for me to look forward too. This world is getting too fucked up. I hate it so so much. Good bye, but the blog remains.
And perhaps I shall end the blog here with a beautiful picture that brings back beautiful memories and happiness. And perhaps, perhaps. I'll be back when I find this place a nicer place to live it, without any liars, bitches, sluts, bastards, jerks, and backstabbers. So long.
Goodbye.
When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me. There is no light in a room where there is no sun and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.
Sunday, May 17
You're hot and you're cold | 5/17/2009 11:03:00 PM
Last night was super chiong. LOL. 3 clubs, and almost 4 in a row. But I guess it was pretty fun cos it was some kinda destress and there wasnt anyone there to stress us =X So yupp met joel and off we went to butterfactory. Enjoyed a little then i guess both jme and I got bored and joel was going home so jme and I decided to go to rebel. And tada. We had our fun there because the songs were great last night (: Oh ya, we saw patricia mok too. LOL. And after rebel we went to zirca since it was 1 stamp = rebel + zirca + lunar. haha. And we met glo and his friends there as well.
Ling came to pick up so yay (: Wasnt very tiring for me but I fell asleep as soon as my hair dried and stuffs. LOL. Then it was belated mother's day celebration for us and weird, how come my mum ended up paying for it? LOL. Anyway we went to the nonya restaurant at joo chiat area. hahaha. I didnt have much appetite but hmm food was good (: oh and I found something..
sometimes you need imperfections to create perfection.
when you are feeling happiness, it's not happiness when you make others feel happiness, that's happiness.
fuck you very much | 5/15/2009 04:50:00 PM
Wished there's a drink to make me forget. Wished there's a drink that can make me go numb. Wished there's a drink that can make me stronger.
Played basketball with samuel just now. I think I should exercise more often but hey, my shooting skills still there. haha not very very rusty...
There're more and more bitches and sluts around these days... What is this world coming to.
so impossible | 5/15/2009 02:22:00 AM
Cassy all will be alright. All will be fine. Hold on Hold tight. I'm grateful I have acsacs. I'll hold for as long as I can. But once deadline is here. It's byebye. No matter how much i love you Because, there wont be an end. If you love me you know when's the right time.
It's gonna be a long wait. When I think of you I dont know what to do When will I see you again? I miss you like crazy Even more than words can say I miss you like crazy Every minute of everyday Girl, I'm so down when your loves not around I miss you (miss you, miss you) I miss you like crazy
You're all that I want You're all that I need (You're all that I need) Can't you see how I feel? Can't you see that my pain's so real?
When I think of you I dont know what to do When will I see you again? I miss you like crazy Even more than words can say I miss you like crazy Every minute of everyday Girl, I'm so down when you're loves not around I miss you (miss you, miss you) I miss you like crazy
Life's a bitch, so are you. Seems like I've got this thing with girls. Whatever la. Bitch.
Anyway. I finished module 1 today! Oh yes. When gawin looked through my book and told me it was my evaluation today i was like =O ohcrap. But thankfully (: It's over and it's off to the 2nd module.
i'm spending my days, making myself busy busy. making my mind busy. I don't want to think about it. it's torturing. I hate it when people tell you one thing and they do another. Sucks man. SUCKS. What's wrong with guys really.
you stupid btch stop crying. damn you. cry cry cry, is this all you can do? fucks man you're such a stupid btch.
Wonders | 5/12/2009 06:58:00 PM
(: I'm forgetting about the unhappiness, I've said enough. I've emo-ed enough, I've cried enough. It's time for some smiles (although I know I'll emo again sooner or later but heck)
I'm really happy for my best friend ((: Been quite some time since I last saw you THIS happy. haha. Don't be too happy that you forget me horzxzxzxz. haha.
And to my dearest oitp partner. All will be well, I'm not going to say that you will get over it or you'll be fine in time to come. NEVER. But hehe. You know i'll still be here if you ever need me (: Now when are you going to get happiness too? I'm waiting dear..
Wonders of lovefriendship. Now, this is LIFE. I had a little chat with someone, and someone told me lots lots of stuffs. Cleared some stuffs and hm, I think I'm feeling soooo much better already. I'm feeling so grateful to have such wonderful friends (:
As for those we arent worth our trust and time, BACK OFF! Cos sooner or later we'll find out about your evilll doings. hahaha.
Where's all the happiness gone to? It's back to me. It's back. And a very calming song (: I want this song for my wedding! LOL
You’re in my arms And all the world is calm The music playing on for only two So close together And when I’m with you So close to feeling alive A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting, waiting here with you And now forever I know All that I wanted to hold you So close So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this was not pretend And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come So far we are so close How could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now? We’re so close To reaching that famous happy end And almost believing this was not pretend Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are So close So close And still so far
As usual, songs never fail to make me reflect and think more.
I heard a song that g sent me a long long time ago. Not a very good song but hmm, when I heard it I thought of something that someone's doing. If i'm a guy and you're a girl this song would be for you. Though some arent relevant. I wont call you a whore. That's too mean. So yupp, Only want the important lines there.
You've always been this way since high school Flirtatious and quite loud I find your sense of humour spiteful It shouldn't make you proud And I know your pretty face gets far with guys But your make-up ain't enough to hide the lies Are you sure that you're mine Aren't you dating other guys You're so cheap And I'm not blind You're not worthy of my time You're just a whore who sleeps around the town And I've got proof because the word's going around You left your phone so I invaded I hated what I saw You stupid lying bitch, who's ------? Some guy who lives next door So go live in the house of David if you like But be sure he don't know Peter, John or Mike And I know that you try to break me into pieces And I know that you lie but you can't hurt me now
I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. Love me or not, you never say. Or perhaps even if you say, I would sometimes wonder if you're saying that to me, and only me or to every other girls. Don't know. Maybe I'm losing that faith, that trust, that assurance.
This is a beautiful song that I like so so much. I want it for you. When you have to look away When you dont have much to say Thats when I love you I love you, just that way To hear you stumble when you speak Or see you walk with two left feet Thats when I love you I love you, endlessly And when your mad cuz you lost a game Forget Im waiting in the rain Baby i love you, I love you anyway Heres my promise made tonight You can count "on" me for life Thats when i love you When nothing you do can change my mind The more I learn, The more I love The more my heart cant get enough Thats when I love you, WhenI love you no matter what So when you turn to hide your eyes Cause the movie it made you cry Thats when I love you I love you a little more each time And when you cant quite match your clothes Or when you laugh at your own jokes Thats when I love you I love you, more than youll know And when you forget that we had a date Or that look that you get when you show up late Baby I love you, I love you anyway Heres my promise made tonight You can count "on" me for life Thats when i love you When nothing you do can change my mind The more I learn, The more I love The more my heart cant get enough Thats when I love you, When I love you no matter what Thats when I love you When nothing baby Nothing you do could change my mind The more I learn, The more I love The more my heart cant get enough Thats when I love you, When I love you no matter what No matter what
So many things have happened. Things have been running through my mind. Each time I'm on the bus/train/walking around. I see couples and silently wish that we would be like them. I see married couples and wonder how loving they are. Just cant fathom how things between us can become like this. I wished we were more stable.
I feel myself going crazy again. I feel myself going into depression again.
I reached home last night and slept ALLLL the way till now. Oh my. I even remember my dad coming in and he told me smth, and said, don't torture myself. Hmm.... I wonder what he knows. hahah. Anyway, I wished someone would tell me how not to torture myself also ): Sian.
byebye. Off to school. and I have a freaking headache. sucks.
Impromtu call from Pris last night (although I already expected it but it came a little too late. LOL) Then off to stjames cos our dear jme decided to join as well. LOL. Well been some time we club together yea. Packed like shit and HAHAH Jonathan got banned.. Aww. Good that you didnt go anyway. Ratio was baddd. Too many guys and they were so disgusting. Music was better than Rebel though. Which is good (: Last night was extra extra smokey, don't know why. Not as much meeleys around also. haha. Met this super weird, yet hmm funny guy. LOL. Jme and I were practically laughing at him throughout. ahaha. I cant remember his face. LOL. Cheap thrills.
Anyway, I'm having a headache. I think I drank too fast last night cos I got a headache after i stood up :S Plans for next week already made. OOPS. But see how la. Report more important (:
I realised this is good. Studying on Monday to Friday then play Sat. I should maintain this. And work harder for weekdays (been 3 weeks since I said that but never done it. ahahhaa)
I was reading my brother's blog about me flying off to NZ and the article I posted some time before [here]. And hmm, I kinda teared. Not my first time reading it but still. The other time I read it but I didnt have much time to really reflect. Well it felt like just yesterday that we were at the airport, CS driving me down to the airport with glenn and vicky, and my mum desperately calling me after she arrived and didnt see me. Then we chatted, took lots of photos, checked in and man. There comes the emotional thing inside me. I remember CS was just beside me while we were walking towards the departure place. I remember I was trying to control my tears but hmm, I cant. haha. Then all the hugging cos I know I'm so gonna miss everyone... Gah. It's bringing me to tears again. Ohwelll..
And I miss wearing layers. Then feel the cold wind blowing through and brrrrr. SG's too hot too humid..
Where's that feeling of love? Communication's not a problem cos we went through it. Now that I'm back, why like this?
btw, I was forced to hug him, brother. LOL. You know your mum...
I want my watch................... | 5/09/2009 03:37:00 PM
I was looking at the older pictures (just 1 or 2 weeks ago), and I saw my watch. RAH. When 1 watch doesnt get damaged, both wont. But when one does, the other one spoils like just a few weeks later. SIAN ): I'm a watch person and I need my watch. I feel so insecure without something on my wrist. sucks sucks sucks.
Okay, maybe that explains my mood for the past few days.
Hidden meanings | 5/09/2009 01:11:00 PM
I know what's happening. You don't say but I JUST KNOW. fck. I wished my 6th sense wasn't this good. I wished I was dumber when it comes to these kinda stuffs. You know what, even before you told me, I ALREADY KNOW. fcuked up right? I KNOW. it sucks. GRR. so pissifying. But be glad, I'm cool. Like damn cool, really. Totally.
Damnit my chest/heart is hurting me again. Im going to look for Cookie and Spice. Byebye
I hate this part right here | 5/09/2009 01:45:00 AM
Damn. I slept at 5 plus 6pm and I woke up at what, 1.46AM. damnit. What am I going to do now. zzzzzzzzzz. If it were in the past, it'll be easy cos someone has only 1 to handle. Aiya. BS.
My google desktop have been flashing photos from the past and NZ. I want my long hair back... GRR. This is crap. Everything's crap. it's so damn fcuked up........
Aight, aight, don't be yellin yo Calm down man, can we talk like civilised people? I can't take this no more
I don't love you No More Come I'll show myself to the door I don't love you Cuz I don't love you no more
I'm out the door, I can't take it no more Things have really changed, it's not like before I mean the vibes between us nowadays are quite shaky And lately, I ain't been feelin you baby Somehow you left my interest wander And now I'm fond of someone else who's diggin me for me It's what I longed for About our current arrangement I ain't sure Cuz I don't think I love you no more And yo I had a major effect on you I know But sure you be showin disrespect to me, so I gotta go You never gonna see it how I do And I don't like your attitude and I don't like being lied to I'm not a toy you can't push my buttons We tried to make it work still we've come up with nothing So now my patience is thin, the fighting is a bore And I don't think I love you no more
Girlfriend I'm walking to the door Ain't gonna see me no more All you seem to do is bore..me Since I came back off tour See if I can take your ways I'm walkin away from only bad days I know there is no easy way But there's nothing you can say To change my mind, yeah
I wish I didn't feel this way, wish I was kidding But another girl has stepped on the scene to put her bid in I never would have looked in
Dont mistaken. I just like this song that's all. And I cut some away.
drowning in tears of sorrow | 5/08/2009 02:49:00 AM
Balloting today for fyp and yay we got something of our choice. Ling said we could make beer out of rice products. Smart. We knows it might work out and woohoo. beer everyday, and get a beerbelly..
Anyway, it was out to cityhall with jiamin's Jasmine today after school to get our mothers' day gift. But ended up only I bought it.. So yupps. Dinner at Shokudo! Got a treat. LOL. Damn nice, then got yoghurt to satisfy my sweet tooth.. Walked around and sat down opposite raffles city and talked. Talked and talked. And I realised how complicated things are.. Ohwell.
Goodnight. need shades for school tml to cover my puffy eyes
And so "everybody" said my blog's very emo, or something like that. Aiya anyhow. Blog ma, just reflecting on what I've been thinking. And since "everyone" is someone pretty close to me, I'm sure you know best what's going on.
ANYWAY, I've been listening to songs songs songs and more songs. So much that it's bringing my emotions up and down like a rollercoaster. And it made me realise that I'm kinda missing something. Something I go out on the streets and wished that
Oh and this afternoon I went to chop chop cut my hair again. Oopsie. And the result, horrible ): i think my hair looks like Ngtingting's one now. crap. But nvm, HAIR WILL GROW! Oh and I was looking at my past photos, just last year's and OMG I WAS SO MUCH SLIMMER. this was taken when I first got together with CS. lol. wa... then i made a promise to myself that I will will will will go back to THAT! And, have my hair grow long long again.. No more chopping off my hair ): No more.
okay, this post is so random and I practically used my reflecting on something else already. byebye. sometimes, I feel like I'm just being used. But it happens all the time, doesnt it?sigh.
I'm standin' on the bridge I'm waitin' in the dark I thought that you'd be here by now There's nothing but the rain No footsteps on the ground I'm listening but there's no sound
Cassy is feeling down cos she feels neglected. Also some news came to her and T.T she feels like she's been hit by a boulder while standing at the bottom of a mountain. Pissed off and upset. Then she thinks, okay maybe it's just all her fault.
Anyway today seems to be a pretty long day... Supposed to meet ling at 8am for breakfast in school but he woke up late so i left home late and I reached sch ard 815 and waited, waited and waited. TILL 9AM! lol so anyhow. In the end, no breakfast. But someone told me some stuffs and zzz not much appetite for the rest of the day although there were 2 times when I felt pretty hungry. Then the times when I ate, was just to eat for the sake of eating. I know. It's unhealthy, but you know how my heart feels? CRUSHED.
Oh and some things happened in class today which I think shouldnt be discussed here. hahha. I searched my heart and I realised, I'm pretty damn unhappy. But why? but on the surface, when I see little things being done, I'm happy! YAY (: Dinner time...
My mind's in a state of confusion. I really don't know what's going on. I think I expect too much, and thus I hate expectations. Expectations can really bring you down. Like alot alot. I know what I expect NEVER happens, so I hardly expect. But when I do, most of the times it's just disappointments, and more disappointments. What's it trying to tell me? That I should just stop expecting and move on?
It's like a aimless wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for, I don't know when whatever I'm waiting for will come. I can almost imagine myself standing there in darkness, expecting something to happen but hmm, that something never appears. Then yupp, people say, "then go search for it instead" What if I tried? What if I've been walking around in circles and boo I'm back to square one? Again, expectations.. Expectations, I really hate it.
Crap I'm having a horrible headache.....
I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved.
I miss malbas, miss nz. Maybe I should never have returned. At least, I wouldnt know what's going on, even if I knew it'll be easier to let go. Btw, malbas is the club we go to in NZ.
you look so happy, well expected. I want to know how you feel, I want to know what to do, I want to know if I should go or wait, I want to know if you're worth it, I want to know if you are who you are, I want to know if this is going to continue
Both expectations and memories are more than mere images founded on previous experience.- Samuel Alexander
And so a trip to parkway gave me 2 new rabbits! Say hi to SALT, and the naughty one, SUGAR. hahah. Don't ask me why it's not called salt and pepper. That's cos my previous rabbit's called pepper already so yup. No more pepper. And apparently I like to name my pets weird names or they are related to food. Hahah well Salt and Sugar arent the worst names. Gladwin suggested names like Chili Padi, Carls Junior, A &W, and there was errrr. Mac and Donalds, Burger King, KFC, LongJohn and Silver etc etc. When I told carlin about it he even said, oyster sauce and fish sauce, Or lua and Fish cake. Omg my brothers give really horrible names.. LOL. And I think there was even Sugar Cane.. LOL.
And I was just trying to imagine myself driving a white mazda 3 and omg I saw it on the road. Apparently white's not a very nice colour... LOL. Okay, going off. Byebye.
Jitking showed me a few videos on relationships and I went out to explore. Hahhaha. I saw this particular video and they commented on men...
Men don't say "I love you" because saying it would mean commitment and once you make commitment it's hard to get out of it.
Cool man. I like. And it's such a boring weekend cos everyone's away and I've got things to do but I'm too lazy to.. Just want to stay at home and slack..
Someone has been asking me out and saying that this holidays is meant for me but zzz I don't want to go la omg... I need my rest, I need my break, I need my time alone.
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then i made a promise to myself that I will will will will go back to THAT! And, have my hair grow long long again.. No more chopping off my hair ): No more.
and the naughty one, SUGAR. 
hahah. Don't ask me why it's not called salt and pepper. That's cos my previous rabbit's called pepper already so yup. No more pepper. And apparently I like to name my pets weird names or they are related to food. Hahah well Salt and Sugar arent the worst names. Gladwin suggested names like Chili Padi, Carls Junior, A &W, and there was errrr. Mac and Donalds, Burger King, KFC, LongJohn and Silver etc etc. When I told carlin about it he even said, oyster sauce and fish sauce, Or lua and Fish cake. Omg my brothers give really horrible names.. LOL. And I think there was even Sugar Cane.. LOL.
