Why communication is NOT the problem in relationships

By Robert Gerzon

Chris and I were coaching a couple, Ron and Sara, who were having difficulties in several important areas of their marriage, including money, parenting and sex.

"What do you think the root problem is?" I asked.

Sara replied without hesitation, "Communication!"

"Yeah, communicating with Sara can definitely get frustrating," agreed Ron.

When we ask couples about the cause of their problems, "communication" is the most common response. It is also the most frequent answer when pollsters ask the general public what's at the root of relationship problems.

It also happens to be dead wrong. Communication is almost never the real problem. Nearly every one of the hundreds of couples we have coached are communicating with each quite effectively.

These couples are communicating their disagreement with each other. They are communicating their dislike of the other person. They are communicating their displeasure about being in the relationship. And they are communicating all these things very successfully.

"Give us an example of one of your typical 'communication problems' so we can see what's really going on," said Chris.

"That's easy," replied Sara. "We had a fight before we came here tonight. Ron just infuriates me. I've asked him a thousand times to put his dishes in the dishwasher when he gets something to eat and he never does."

"Aw, c'mon, Sara," said Ron with exasperation. "How many times do we have to go over this. I'm a responsible person. I put my dishes in the dishwasher most of the time. I just don't do it on your timetable."

"My timetable!" responded Sara with indignation. "I shouldn't have to see your dirty dishes sitting on the counter for even a minute! I wouldn't have to if you'd just put them away when you're finished eating. If I didn't put them away you'd let them sit there for days."

"You never give me a chance. I had to go call Zack's soccer coach back about the game tomorrow and when I walked back into the kitchen to put those dishes away you jumped down my throat before I had a chance to do it. If you'd just relax and lay off the constant criticism things would be a lot nicer at home."

"OK," I interjected, "I think we get the picture. So is this what you mean by a communication problem?"

"Yes, I can't seem to get through to him at all," replied Sara with obvious irritation. "It's such a simple thing. Put your dishes away when you're done with them. Yet no matter how many times I ask him he doesn't seem to care."

"And I can't get her to stop micromanaging my life no matter how many times I tell her," added Ron.

"This is clearly a frustrating situation for both of you," I said. "Would you like some help resolving it?"

"Sure," they both replied.

"The first thing is to be willing to look at the problem in a new way. It's not a communication problem. Let me show you what I mean by that. Sara, how are you feeling when Ron leaves his dishes on the counter?"

"Irritated, upset, angry, hurt, disappointed," she replied.

"Ron, are you getting the message?"

"Loud and clear."

"So Ron would you acknowledge that Sara is an effective communicator, that she's getting her message across."

"Yes," said Ron grinning, "I get what you're saying now. Sara, you are definitely a good communicator."

Sara smiled too, starting to see some humor in the situation.

"Ron, how are you feeling at those times?"

"Frustrated as hell with her."

"And Sara are you getting Ron's message?"

"Yes, of course," she said with a trace of sadness.

"So would you acknowledge that Ron's an effective communicator too?"

"Yes. Ron, you are a good communicator. I guess I just don't like what you're communicating."

The problem is not feeling loved

If "communication" itself were the real problem in a relationship, it would be a problem all the time. Often couples also believe that "differences" or "incompatibility" are the root problem. Yet we know couples who are as different as night and day and who love being married to each other. We also know couples who are quite similar in their beliefs and viewpoints who argue constantly over the smallest things.

In working with hundreds of couples over the years we found that the only time couples ever complain about their "differences" or about having "communication problems" is when they aren't feeling loved by the other person. The real problem in relationships is not feeling loved by the other person.

So Chris said to Ron and Sara, "Communication can definitely become frustrating, unproductive and painful between couples. But communication is a symptom and not the root of your problems."

"Well, then what is?" asked Sara.

"From what you've told us, Robert and I believe that the root problem is that you don't feel loved by each other at those times."

They both looked at us in shock. And then they looked at each other.

Sara was the first to recover: "You're right, I don't feel loved by Ron at those times and I know he doesn't feel loved by me. I get upset and frustrated with Ron a lot, but I do love him. I want our marriage to work."

"We wouldn't be here if we didn't still love each other," Ron added somewhat defensively.

"It's wonderful to realize that you really do love each other," said Chris encouragingly. "So why don't you tell each other that?"

"Right now?" asked Sara.

"Sure, right now. And maybe tomorrow too," Chris smiled.

Ron and Sara exchanged "I love you" and we could feel the atmosphere in the room warm up. Their tense bodies relaxed and they moved closer together on the couch.

"That's does feel better, doesn't it?" I observed.

Both Ron and Sara nodded and smiled.What's your Love Ratio?

"There is an important and revealing question that every couple should ask themselves," I said. "And that is: What is our Love Ratio?

"In other words, what's the ratio of positive, loving interactions to negative emotional interactions in our relationship? Couples stay together because they have a positive Love Ratio -- the love outweighs the negatives. Couples separate when the negatives consistently overwhelm the love. And all the negatives -- anger, resentment, jealousy, withdrawal, hurt -- stem from fear and anxiety.

"A simple but very powerful formula for creating a dynamic relationship is 'Increase the love and decrease the fear and negativity.' Saying 'I love you' frequently and doing things that make the other person feel loved will dramatically increase the positive, loving energy in any relationship.

"When there's a high Love Ratio in a relationship it functions as a kind of cushion or shock absorber. An occasional negative incident is not going have much impact on a relationship in which there are lots of loving interactions. One researcher found that couples report experiencing satisfaction with their relationship when the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones is at least 5 to 1."

"That makes a lot of sense," said Ron. "I can see I could be more pro-active about showing my love to Sara."

"The problem for me," said Sara," is that I just don't feel any love for Ron when I see those dishes on the counter. To be honest, I really hate him when he does it. I don't like admitting that, but I do."

"Same here," agreed Ron. "When Sara puts me down I'm so far away from loving her it's not funny. Those are the times I think about separating, just so I wouldn't have to listen to her criticism. I get what you mean now. The problem is not communication. It really is that we don't love each other at those moments."

"Right," I replied. "Once you define the problem accurately, the solution is much easier to find. So -- what is the solution?"

"It seems kind of obvious," Sara said. "We need to love each other more. But we have different ideas about what's the right thing to do. I don't see how I can love Ron when he ignores my requests and keeps leaving his dishes."

"But differences are not the problem," observed Chris, "even though do you have different approaches to putting dishes away, and different ideas about parenting, money and sex. Fear of your differences is what turns differences into relationship problems.

"So now we need to look at the other half of the formula: how to decrease the negative energy in your relationship," Chris continued. "Some of the most common types of negativity in intimate relationships are angry arguments, physical or emotional abuse, emotional withdrawal and neglect (the "silent treatment"), resentment, criticism, scorn, withholding affection and sex, and what we call the "Four Disses": disrespect, dishonesty, disapproval and disgust.

"Whenever these symptoms appear it's a sign that at that moment the relationship has become fear-based rather than love-based. When these symptoms predominate month after month it indicates a reversed Love Ratio and a relationship in which the fear has overwhelmed the love.

"So, Sara," Chris continued, "it sounds like you'd prefer to keep loving Ron when he leaves those dishes sitting there. Why is it hard to love Ron then?"

"Because I feel he's not loving me."

"So this is one of those vicious cycles. You feel like he's not loving you. He feels like you're not loving him. And you both stop loving.

"What if you could turn that into a virtuous cycle? What if you could keep the love flowing even when it seems like the other person isn't loving you?"

"That sounds great, but I really don't see how we can do that, given who we are," said Ron.

"We can show you how to decrease that negativity right now," I said. "Ready to learn how to love each other more?"

"OK," they replied somewhat skeptically.

The Power of Inner Talk in relationships

"Sara," said Chris, "Let's work with your part of the cycle first and then we'll look at Ron's."

"Sure."

"So when you see those dirty dishes on the counter, what are you saying to yourself?"

"I'm saying, I can't believe Ron did it again. I've asked him a thousand times. If he loved me he'd put his dishes away. He just doesn't care about me."

"Good, Sara," said Chris. "That's what we call your Inner Talk. Inner Talk, or self-talk, is a term that describes our cognitive thought processes as an inner dialogue. So how does your habitual Inner Talk affect you? Does it make it easier or harder for you to love Ron?"

"Harder."

"When your Inner Talk blocks your ability to love, it means you're listening to what we call your Toxic Voice. Let's see if you can tune in to a healthier inner voice, your Natural Voice. What kind of Inner Talk would still be truthful but would also make it easier to keep loving Ron at that moment?"

Sara thought for a moment.

"Well I suppose it would help if I said: Ron left those dishes on the counter again. I don't like it when he does that. I don't know why he did that. But I still love him."

"Wow!" Chris exclaimed, "That's great, Sara! What a difference. How does your new Inner Talk change the way you feel toward Ron?"

"I feel less angry and more loving," replied Sara, her face softening.

"Ron, how would you feel if Sara changed her Inner Talk in that way?"

"I'd love it," said Ron excitedly. "That's the thing. I would just love it if she stopped criticizing me."

Creative Inner Talk increases the Love Ratio

"Good, so let's work on your part, Ron," I said. "What is your Inner Talk when Sara is upset with you for leaving dishes on the counter?"

"Oh, I suppose I say something like: There she goes again. Never gives me a chance, always on my back. I hate being treated like an irresponsible kid when I spend so much of my time working hard for my family and being so responsible. If I'd known she would turn out to be such a bitch, I wouldn't have married her."

"Good work, Ron. I appreciate you being honest about your Inner Talk."

"Hearing myself say it out loud makes me realize that it really is very negative and toxic."

"So how does that Toxic Talk affect you? Does it make it easier or harder to love Sara?"

"Much harder. It makes me angry at her. And to be really honest, I'd have to say it makes me want to leave my dishes on the counter just to spite her."

"Interesting how that works, isn't it?" I nodded. "So can you think of a more creative kind of Inner Talk that would help you keep loving Sara even when she's criticizing you? What would your healthy Natural Voice say?"

"This part's harder," replied Ron thoughtfully. "I don't know what else to say. It never occurred to me there were any other possibilities. Give me a minute."

After a few moments Ron continued, "OK, here's what I could say: Sara's upset because I left my dishes on the counter. I know I was planning to put them in the dishwasher, but she's doesn't. She's feeling like I don't love her, but I do."

"That's much better, Ron. How does that Inner Talk make you feel?"

"Definitely makes me feel kinder and more loving -- like I want to give her a hug," Ron replied. He added, "And it makes me feel more like putting my dishes away. I don't really enjoy aggravating Sara."

Turning to Sara, Ron hugged her and then said, "Honey, I'm sorry if those dishes have been bothering you so much. It's just a habit I have from back when I used to live alone. I do get around to it eventually. But I can understand why it irritates you when you're working in the kitchen. It really is kind of inconsiderate. I can't promise you it'll never happen again, but I can promise you I'm really going to make an effort to change that. I want you to know that I love you."

Sara's eyes moistened and she reached for Ron's hands, "I know you love me. And you know I love you too. Even when I criticize you. I know you're very responsible and you're a great husband and father. It's just that I depend on you so much. It scares me when you do something that I think is uncaring and I just start to lose it emotionally. I'm sorry that I've made you feel criticized and unappreciated. But I'll use my new Inner Talk to keep loving you even when something like that happens."

"Congratulations," Chris said. "You've both passed the Love Test. You decided to love each other more and increase the Love Ratio in your relationship. You decided that you love each other enough to change your own behavior. And, just as important, by understanding the power of your Inner Talk you now have an effective tool that enables you to change old dysfunctional relationship habits into conscious, loving actions."

When Ron and Sara returned two weeks later they told us they had experienced the best two weeks they'd had in years.

Sara said, "Ron's been putting his dishes away almost all the time. It sounds strange to say, but this has been very healing for me. It might seem like a little thing to someone else, but to me it's a big thing. And it shows me every day that he really does cares about my happiness.

"After a few days of Ron's new caring behavior," continued Sara, "I realized that as a kid I never felt like my parents really cared about what I wanted. It was always about what they wanted me to do to be a "good girl." I remember promising myself that when I grew up, I'd never let myself be treated like that again. So when Ron would disregard my needs it really panicked me to think I'd married someone who didn't care about me. I actually had a good cry with Ron one night, it felt so good to know he really, truly does loves me."

"I never knew how much that was hurting Sara," said Ron. "It was great to see how happy I could make her by changing that behavior. And one time I forgot to put my coffee cup away she asked me if I was done with it and then gave me a kiss and said, "Let me put that away for you, honey." That blew me away.

"My Dad was a real authority figure," Ron continued, "and everything had to be just so. I realized that whenever Sara criticized me it felt just like my Dad coming down on me. It triggered that fear reaction and brought out the rebel in me. I feel a lot more relaxed around the house now that we've worked this through -- and I don't mind putting my stuff away. I think we've both been kind of surprised at how much we mean to each other and what a big effect being more loving can have on how we feel."

"It's made a big difference," agreed Sara. "I've felt more open and our sexual relationship has been more frequent and more passionate.

"Yeah, that's been an unexpected bonus," smiled Ron. " I've noticed I have more energy and I've been more productive at work too. Our son Zack seems happier too."

By learning to love each other more Ron and Sara were able to dramatically increase their Love Ratio and reap more of the benefits of being married to each other. They understood that the only problem in relationships is not feeling loved. If each of us learn to love the other person more effectively, we can all feel loved more of the time. The great thing about the Game of Love is that when you play it right, everybody wins.

Love is an infinite spiral

The raw, unconscious love of sexual-emotional attraction is enough to get a relationship going, but it's not enough to keep it going. When they realize that relationships take work, some people conclude that "love is not enough".

We believe that love is enough, it's more than enough. Love is everything. But for a couple to stay in love, their love needs to grow and evolve. Love that does not grow begins to shrivel and die. Effective loving is a skill that needs training, practice and encouragement.

Not all the couples we work with learn as quickly as Ron and Sara. Emotional defenses caused by past hurts, whether from childhood or adult relationships, can block the expression of love in the present and often need to be brought to consciousness and released. Yet every couple we have worked with who love each other enough to change have been amazed at how different the same relationship can feel once they get to the next level in loving each other.

If a couple discovers that one or both of them don't love each other enough to change their behavior that's important to acknowledge. Occasionally when we work with a couple they discover that the problem lies in the very foundation of their marriage. One of them, or both of them, didn't love each other enough to get married but they did anyway. Some people know this when they are walking down the aisle and some are unaware of it. When people marry "for the wrong reasons" it is usually because they weren't loved for themselves as children. As a result, they lack sufficient self-love and self-knowledge to choose the right partner. We have to know who we are before we can recognize our true soulmate.

Yet even some marriages with shaky foundations can be improved. After an honest discussion about the past, some couples do find it in their hearts to forgive and to love each other in the present.

Sometimes it's so important to people to be "right," that they would rather be "right" than be loved. When individuals decide they don't want to change their behavior, they can then make a conscious choice. They can stay in the relationship and accept it for what it is, and thereby experience less toxic conflict and more appreciation for what does work. Or, if they feel that they are in a toxic relationship where the negativity outweighs the love by too great a margin, they can separate and move forward in their life as individuals.

Our love-centered approach to relationships works well for couples at all stages -- from those who are trying to decide whether to marry each other to long-term couples whose marriage is floundering or has lost its passion. By focusing on "loving each other more" and increasing the Love Ratio, it quickly becomes clear if two people care about each other enough to create a happy marriage.

Choose love, grow love

Love is an infinite spiral. The wonderful thing about spending the rest of your life together is that you can continue rising to higher levels on love's spiral.

After more than 20 years together Chris and I are both more passionately and spiritually in love with each other with each passing year. We continue to be amazed and grateful for the healing power of love and how it has transformed our lives. We've found there are two simple secrets to creating a dynamic, loving, lifelong relationship.

One: Choose love. Marry the "right person." Choose someone who loves you for who you are, someone you love enough to have as your companion on life's journey.

Two: Grow love. Make a commitment to grow in love as an individual and as a couple. Make a mutual pledge to keep increasing the love and decreasing the negatives in your relationship.

Some important ways you can increase the Love Ratio in your relationship:

Trust in the power of love. Don't let fear interfere.

Always be honest and be yourself -- your partner knows what's really going on anyway.

Be a "warrior of the heart" -- it takes courage to love and to be loved.

Work hard -- personal and relationship growth is sometimes the toughest work you'll ever do, but the rewards are incredible.

Be quick to apologize. Because we are all imperfect, we will sometimes hurt the one we love. Don't feel guilty and don't get defensive. Remember that you area good person. Find out what hurt the other person and why. Ask them what would work better next time. Change your behavior so your partner feels loved.

Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is a crucial but often overlooked aspect of intimate love. Don't ignore or bury hurt feelings. But don't criticize or judge the other person either. You both deserve to feel loved. Forgive your partner for hurting you, tell them you love them, and ask them if they'd like to know what you need to feel loved.

Heal hurts and defenses from the past that block your ability to love in the present.

Connect with the universal Source of Love. Ask your Higher Power (your Sacred Voice) for help in making the changes you need to make so you can become a more effective channel for love.

Aim for ecstasy! Play, have fun, enjoy living together, push the boundaries of love every once in awhile -- and make love often and passionately!

Keep your relationship filled with positive energy, affection, ecstatic sex, acts of kindness and happy memories and you will continue to ascend to higher levels on love's infinite spiral.